The Talk of Champions

WEEEEEELLLLLlLL BAAAAAAHHHHHH. I was supposed to write a highly detailed article on a hostile alien invasion but if I’m honest it’s still not finished and it’s really really fuckin’ long, like 9000 words so far. Steak like.

Speaking of that shower, everyone should go see The Fourth Kind if you want to be fucking terrified and hate owls for the rest of your life. Tis worth the few denarii anyway.

What ISN’T is New Moon. Now look I never liked Twilight but like it has no storyline whatsoever. Just a load a lads getting topless and bitching at each other. I went into that film with a positive attitude and it still bored the balls off me. So fuck dah. But I’m sure plenty of people will like me do a nice thing for their significant others and end up watching said significant other salivate over all the lovely boys onscreen. It’s only natural to hate Robert Pattinson and the other lad. In fact it’s only fair. Ruining lives of lads everywhere. Fact

Big question is are you team Edward or team Jacob?

FFFFFFFFUFUFUUFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!11!!!1111!!!1!!!!

Anyhow, roaming around the internet as I am want to do I stumbled upon loads of people post video blogs on youtube in the form short TV programmes. They’re all shit enough but I’d like you to watch out in the next few weeks for a new one which doesn’t really have a name yet but will be something along the lines of “El and Stereo shoot the shit” or some such. Huge amount of features such as : Fishy V Morrissey; Stone Cold and the haunted factory. Tune in soon for more details.

Just in marine legislation now. FML. I DON’T CARE ABOUT SAFETY ENVIROMENTAL POLICYS! I JUST DON’T GIVE A FUCK! It’s important to note that I have been described in the workshops as “a major accident” waiting to happen such is my scorn for safety. Doesn’t bother me I’m still the best machinist in the place so phuck yuh paddeh.

That’s it for the time being, have a good one.

Just to warn everyone that very soon i will be writing an article on humanity’s best hope against a hostile alien invasion. If you thought the vampire one was bad……………

Every day there is less and less to live for

God is a big balls

Good luck and Godspeed Frank. Never before in human humour have so many owed so much to one cat.

When I was younger I thought being born in the 90’s wasn’t that great. Being called a 90’s baby was kind of shit. BUT NOW

The 90’s is the best fucking decade ever. The cusp of a new generation, the future bangmasters of the world surrounded by a cocoon of brilliance. (Conor Dunne is an honorary 90’s baby due to his contributions to bangmastery) I am now happy with my decade (bar a lot of grunge but nothing is perfect) GET IT ONNNNNNNN.

Go Bum a traveller

I could well pull this off

Herein lies the definitive article on vampirism. What is written here is right. If you disagree you are very very wrong. And fucking simple. I will dispel any misconceptions people may have in light of recent media exposure vampires have received due to a shit series of films and books which will remain nameless and is definitely Twilight.

Firstly, what causes vampirism? Vampirism is caused by infection by a blood borne disease known as polyphoric haemophilia. The origins of the disease are hotly debated. Some quarters maintain that it originated from an as yet undiscovered animal such as the mythical chupacabra of South America whereas many are of the opinion it is an artificially created pathogen by a military organization in an attempt to create a “super soldier”. This theory is of course preposterous as vampires have been present throughout the majority of human history, long before this level of genetic engineering had been discovered. The truth is that the origin of the disease is long forgotten by human and vampire alike. It is rumoured that some of the older members of the great houses have this knowledge but this is merely wild speculation.

What does Polyphoric Haemophilia do? Polyphoric Haemopilia causes the body to crave living blood. It is believed to be linked to the physical demands the augmentation of the body causes (A vampire is far stronger, faster and more robust than the average human). The new tissues require a lot of nutrients to sustain them and what better source of concentrated nutrients than living blood. The disease obviously has the effect of gearing the subconscious to the new body of the host. It is a common misconception that vampires do not eat. Vampires can sustain themselves for a reasonable time on human food (although they have prodigious appetites and will easily consume three to four times an average human would). Eventually however the digestive system will begin to collapse from the constant and massive strain it is under and the vampire will have to revert to blood to sustain him or herself, much in the way an infant takes nutrient laden milk to provide for it’s rapidly growing body. It is for this reason that, when encountered, vampires appear to never eat.

The disease also causes hypersensitivity to light both dermally and ocularly. The vampire’s eyesight is calibrated for rapid tracking in low light enviroments and as such is easily blinded by rapid changes to ambient lighting. That said a vampire’s sight will fully adjust in under three minutes which is up to 1000% faster than the average human. They suffer extreme pain to the eyes in sunlight and will be found to be wearing sunglasses on even overcast days. The sensitivity of the vampire’s skin to ultraviolet radiation is a greater mystery. Contrary to popular culture vampires will not burst into flames, turn to dust or have their skin peel away leaving a smouldering skeleton. And they will certainly not sparkle. The effects are more akin to extreme sunburn which, if severe enough, can be fatal. A vampire’s skin will burn very quickly, usually very highly damaged after less than 30 minutes exposure, a far cry from the few seconds popularly believed. A vampire could, if they wished, walk about in the height of summer so long as they covered all exposed areas of skin. This however is rarely attempted as dehydration sets in very rapidly creating an even larger problem.

Can vampires Fly? No. As they are far stronger and more agile than humans, they can bound astounding lengths and from a distance could appear to be flying but free flight is unfortunately confined to the realms of fiction.

How do you kill a vampire? A stake through the heart. Or a bullet in the head. Or numerous bullets to the torso. As vampires are essentially augmented humans, anything that can kill a human can kill a vampire with a few important exceptions. Vampires are immune to all human diseases as none can take in their infected blood, so biological methods are useless. Similarly, due to their significantly improved constitution, most poisons are next to useless unless administered in ridiculously high doses. Vampires are also, for some unknown reason, highly resistant to radiation (Hence the reports of humanoid creatures moving about the night in Chernobyl).

Are vampires immortal? No. Vampires have a heavily reinforced constitution which regenerates cells very quickly (hence why they heal so rapidly). However, although they can live up to six hundred years of age, they too will eventually age and die.

Can Garlic/a crucifix/holy water stop a vampire. No. Most vampires eat garlic with their “normal” meals and find it quite tasty :). Religious iconography has absolutley no effect on a vampire (some of the more open minded brethren even follow religion!).

Do vampires always kill those they feed from? Rarely. Most try to avoid killing at all costs, most out of decency, the rest out of care not to attract police attention. Forensics have advanced so much that even the shadow walkers are now vulnerable.

Do vampires spread vampirism through biting? No. As it is a blood borne disease there must be direct mixing of blood. Vampire’s saliva does however contain a mild sedative which produces feelings of intense pleasure in the victim (if they are conscious). Vampires only ever “blood” humans if they, however foolishly, become romantically attached to them and do not want to spend their extended years watching their partner wither and die. (Even twilight gets part of it right occasionally :P) It is important to note that “blooding” is the only way vampire can reproduce as Polyphoric Haemophilia completely sterilises it’s host.

This is what a vampire is. Forget fiction and know your enemy.

Get anally raped